Perhaps this sounds contradicting to what i wrote before about everyone having choices in lives, but it actually doesn't. There are still choices, and these people chose to be responsible beings. They could have chosen to forsake their families and live their own lives, but instead they chose a path so much more difficult and may not even be rewarding in the end. Yes, some people have it easy. They just walk out and can still live with themselves. Some people can't, and thus have to face the rigors brought forth by their choices.
I find myself entangled in such rough sledding that i feel handicapped, that i fear there will be no ending, that i worry if i'm about to hit the limit of my optimism soon (which wasn't much in the first place). Funny that whenever i start to feel my life is heading somewhere, it will yet again pull me back and remind me how much it sucks.
The same old concerns; the same old arguements; the same old disappointment; the same old bitterness. Simply because everything is just the same old way, and everyone is still the same old self. There might have been an illusion of changes, but it turned out to be merely a mirage. It's as if i'm stuck in a cycle, as if i'm living in an ever-repeating deja vu.
Yes, there are choices for me to break free, but the choices come with consequences that i don't wanna see. I can never face myself knowing that i live through my life by hurting someone who's dear to me. The choice seems to be obvious, yet i chose it not without reluctance or resentment. The choice seems to be the right one, yet it wasn't the most desirable to me.
All i need now is more strength, and definitely more doses of optimism. I know where to get it, it's just that i'm not sure how.
Labels: family, introspection
