贝 and i are just into the 4th month of our marriage, so i guess we are still considered newlyweds. Life should be all sweet and rosy...
Well, marriage life hasn't really been all blissful as one would hope for.
You know, the funny thing is this -- i've thought everything would stay the same, with or without that piece of paper. I mean, 贝 and i have been together for 8 years, and we have been staying together before marriage, so i thought we were already living like a married couple even before we got married. Writing down our names on the dotted lines would not make any difference, either to our lives or to the way we treat each other.
But boy was i wrong.
There have been more squabbles, sometimes for the most trivial matters. Perhaps it's the (perceived) impatient way we talk to each other, or where certain things should be placed in our new home, or what to eat for breakfast, or what to do on a certain day...
Somehow, things do change, in one way or another. I do not know what it is, but it just felt different.
For at least 2 times per week, i would wake up or come home feeling the unhappiness or sian-ness in 贝. Then i'd ask him, "what is the matter, 贝", and to that he'd reply, "nothing". Repeat that 5 times and it will end up with me feeling frustrated and 贝 feeling annoyed.
That's marriage i guess -- you are no longer one person but two; your emotion and feelings are no longer solely yourself but will be part of another person's.
Is marriage supposed to be like this? What went wrong? Or maybe there is nothing wrong but simply changes in my attitude, my perception, and my expectation? Or maybe marriage does change everything, as there will no longer be fireworks but the realization that your life is forever entwined with another?
I often asked myself these questions, and of course i could never find the answers, or at least not the right ones.
Yes, we are still newlyweds, yet the honeymoon period seems to have ended even before it started.
Labels: love
