This happened yesterday morning, when i was at the lowest point and felt i was determined to end the marriage already. I even called the property agent, thinking of selling the house (but she wasn't available to talk at that time). I was so down that when he told me that, i felt indifferent and did not seem to care anymore.
At that time, i felt that i did not believe him, for he has told me before that he had ended it, and it lasted only for 2 days, and then he couldn't help himself and contacted her again. And even if he really can do it this time, i still can't see through his heart. He may be missing her greatly, and suffering the kind of out-of-love misery. I asked myself, why would i want a husband who stays by me physically but the heart belongs to another and the love was not intact anymore?
And if he couldn't stand the torture of missing her, he would relapse, but this time he will be smarter. After all the checking i did on him, he would now know how to be more careful and never let me find out about his affairs anymore. He would know better in disguising himself and hiding his feelings. Then how could i ever be sure that he did not start again behind my back? How could i know that it really has ended and he has indeed come back to me, both in terms of body and love?
See, this is the mistrust i have in him, after the trust has been broken and my heart has been hurt beyond limit. I will continue to behave in a way that i totally loathe -- i will want to check on him to reassure myself; everytime he makes a call or sends a sms, i'll be suspicious; everytime he listens to a sad love song, i'll wonder if he is moaning his lost love; everytime he is in deep thoughts, i'll wonder if he's missing her; everytime he is out with friends, i'd wonder if he's lying to me and seeing her again; everytime we see a Chinese girl, or hear someone speaking in Chinese accent, i'd wonder if it reminds him of her...
Can a marriage really work, even with all these mistrusts? He will get tired of all these sooner or later, for he will think i have become this crazy suspicious woman who can't trust her husband. In the end, it will be my doing in killing the marriage.
But then, all the above is the hurting me who is talking.
The hopeful me is willing to give it a try. Yes, 贝 will have to work ten times harder to gain the trust and confidence back, but i'll have to work 100 times harder to find the courage to trust him again.
The road ahead is going to be very tough. I hope i'll have the strength to go on.
Labels: introspection, love
