I gave 贝 a list of things to do. There are things that i want him to do before i will return to that home, and also things that i expect him to do after we are back together and gotta work towards rebuilding my trust, our love and marriage.
The things that he has to do after we are back together again are mostly for rebuilding my trust, which means that he will no longer have his so-called privacy and freedom. To this, it is obvious that he is very reluctant, even though he said he would still do it nevertheless. I was surprised to see that he is reluctant, as i thought he would understand why those are necessary. Yet, he said to me that we were never like that before. Yes, i know that was not the relationship we had before. But then, nothing will be the same again, or at least not at the beginning. It puzzled me as to why he would expect things still stay the same as before after this incident that shattered my trust and our marriage.
I tried to explain to him that when a man and woman get married, two persons become one and the exact same privacy and freedom we used to have when we were singles will no longer be there. There is a different kind of privacy and freedom, which is within the boundary of marriage. E.g. if i restrict him from going out totally and want him to be with me every single moment when he is not working, that is considered as no freedom; but if he can still go out with friends or play badminton, and i expect him to let me know where he goes and to call me every now and then to let me know where he is and who he is with, that is not lost of freedom. This is the kind of freedom a husband still has, but he has to know he has the RESPONSIBILITY and DUTY to keep the wife informed, and more so if the trust has already broken.
I am not sure if what i said get into him or not. Apparently, he does not understand what marriage is all about. To him, it seems like it is just two persons in love signing a piece of paper, and then can start to share financial obligations such as housing, loans, etc. He expects everything else to stay the same as before, same as when he was still single or when we were still dating. This is precisely why he never really realised the true meaning of marriage and the wedding vow, and why he would let his heart fell for another.
He told me that he could not understand my behaviours at all, when i would be good for a few days and then fall back to depression again. He said he thought things were going well for the week before, and then suddenly it fell worse again.
I explained to him that this was because of him. He only thought of it as my emotional instability, but never realised that it was his behaviours that were causing my mood swings. He does not understand that at time like this, when i am vulnerable and have lost all trust and confidence, i need constant reassurance and need to feel his love all the time. However, on days that he missed me, he would be sweet and nice to contact me and want to see me. That gave me hope, thinking that he had finally come to his senses and willing to put in effort to make our marriage work. Then on other days, he would just want to be by himself or with his friends, and did not want to be bothered. When he did that, the hope that i got would vanish and i fell deeper into depression. Then he saw my inconsistent moods as something puzzling, and he himself feel "sianz" too, and his "sianz" behaviour made me feel even more doubtful of his sincerity. This kind of vicious cycle made me suffer mentally, and even though i did get better for a few days since i moved out (i.e. could sleep and eat well), i got all bad again and the stress that i am getting mentally is really killing me.
Then one may ask, probably this is his character, to be lay back and not taking charge?
Is he a person who does not have any determination and is not willing to put in effort in anything? Not so. He can be very determined when it comes to body building and playing badminton. When he is really eager to make himself fit, he can be very determined and consistently do sit-ups everyday. And when the result isn't so good, he would spend the effort in looking up keep-fit exercise on the Web and follow the steps. Also, when he is really eager to polish up his badminton skill, he can put in effort in looking for video clips on the Web that teach badminton playing technique.
These are things that he will do for himself, so you may ask, then is he a person who will not put in effort for someone else? Not so. When we were still dating, he could do a lot of things for me, even when it is troublesome and tiring. The same too with that woman. He would call her every day for several times, even late in the nights and during his working hours. He would go to the extent to tell lies, wake up early in the morning during weekend, just to go and meet her. So when he really likes and is interested in a person, he can be determined and put in effort in getting the person.
Yet, when it comes to rebuilding our marriage and love, when it comes to "courting me back", when it comes to giving me confidence and hope, when it comes to helping me to rebuild my trust and my well-being, he does everything half-heartedly. I did not see the same determination and effort that he can have for other things or people.
There is simply no eagerness; he did not prove with his actions that he is keen in making this work. Everything he did so far is being pushed, asked and even begged. He stayed passive and did not actively make amend. His attitude and behaviour are just "let it be", "so be it", and "let nature takes its course". He does not seem like a person who has realised his mistake and is very keen to right it.
I could not explain his behaviours at all. Even he himself could not explain it -- even though he said he is very troubled and busy at work. But then, no matter how troubled and busy at work he is, he can still find the energy and effort in returning to JB for badminton and exercising in the night to keep fit, yet he could not spend the same energy on salvaging our marriage and my trust. I am probably 10 times more troubled than he is, my work is not any less stressful, and my energy level is down to near zero due to sleep deprivation and malnourishment, but i am still making effort and harbouring the hope that we can make this work.
As such, what else can i think of his behaviours? I could only explain all these as simply lack of initiatives on his part. Why lack of initiative? I could only explain this by thinking that it is because to him, our marriage, our love and me are not the most important things in his life. He is not eager to save the marriage, for if he has half the eagerness he has for badminton, body building or that woman previously, he would have done a lot more; he would continue to pursue even when i am in negativity.
If i were to put a simple sentence to all his behaviours, that is: he simply does not have the same kind of love for me anymore. To him, it is just that he does not want to go the route of separation for whatever reason; he just wants to keep the marriage for whatever reasons, but is hoping that it can just go back to normal by itself. If he has truely realised the seriousness of the situation and the wrong that he has made, and he is very eager to save the marriage and our love, he would have known that he must put in 110% effort to make it right.
I know that i should not measure him by my yardstick and expect him to do what i hope. Yet, it is not really my yardstick. If he has different views on things in life, then i'd have nothing to say. But he is not the kind of person who does not understand that "no pain, no gain", and "if you really want something bad enough, you would have to put in effort in pursuing it". He knows all these full well, and actually has done it or is doing it in his day-to-day life. It's just that he does not apply the same principles when it comes to me, our love and our marriage.
Now, it is no longer just about leaving or not leaving that woman anymore (even though that is the foremost criteria). I need to see the determination, sincerity and effort from him, to prove to me with his actions that he does care and he does love me. In fact, this has been told to him over and over again for many times, not only from me but from my friends and his sister too. But then, there is still non-action from him. The whole thing can be resolved with just simple approach, yet he is unwilling to take the steps to do it and complicates the matter further.
Really, if our love, our marriage and me are important enough to him, the simple steps would just be (1) stop dragging with that woman, (2) show the sincerity and determination by putting in effort in rebuilding my trust and our marriage, no matter what it takes to do it. Now, he claimed that he could do the first part. Yet, the second part is the one that he found difficult, but it is actually whether or not he wants or doesn't want to think of ways to do it, and whether he is or isn't willing to do it. If the answer is "i can't think of any ways", and "i am unwilling to do so", then the final answer is very clear already. After all, people always say, "when there's a will, there's a way", and "if you are eager, you would go the extra mile". So, if he found such simple steps so difficult to him, it only means that his love for me is weak or even non-existence.
Frankly, i do not know how much longer i can keep this on. Time is running out; one month is about to pass soon. We are only left with another month to make the final decision. Whatever that should be said had already been said a hundred times. Now it's left with what needed to be done. If inaction is still what he chose despite all that had been said, then i guess the answer cannot be any clearer.
My greatest problem now is how i tied up my getting well with his. That is why his inconsistent behaviours would affect my recovery too. Over and over again, everyone has been telling me to get well by myself, and for myself.
Yes, LOVE MYSELF MORE, LOVE MYSELF MORE, LOVE MYSELF MORE.
I really deserve a good slap on the face.
