Basically, 贝 hurt me twice. The first time was when i discovered his affair and moved out; the second time was when i discovered all his lies and cheating, and realised the marriage has finally come to an end.
Eight years back, he was supposed to be the knight in shining armour, rescuing me out of the misery of my first failed relationship. After 8 long years of happiness, what he did turned out to be worse than my first boyfriend. He hurt me not once but twice, and the degree of hurt was so much deeper and a lot more serious.
During the first wave, my work was at a critical stage of system going live. Now, my work is again at the critical stage of the US project. I am having tough time concentrating on my work, and there are a lot of things to be done. 贝 has changed into a devil since he knew that China woman, created hindrance for my career, causing all my hard work over the past years to go down the drain.
Then besides my own depression and my career, i still have to worry about my family. My poor mom was very sad when she heard of the news and truth. She cried and cried and cried. It just killed me to see that how i had broken her heart. I've always wanted to be a good daughter to make her happy, but the men i chose to be my husband actually caused miseries to her. I totally hate myself for that.
And then there's also my health. Other than sleep deprivation and loss of appetite that making me weaker, i am also extremely concerned about the possible disease that i may get from 贝. There are diseases that will not be detected until years later, such as AIDS. So even i go for a check-up, which i will, this thing will still bother me for a few years ahead until i'm sure that i'm clean.
LF kept telling me that God will not let me go through the sufferings that i cannot endure. Really, looking back at all the events that had happened, i actually should thank God for bringing out the truth at this point of time, instead of a few months or a few years later, when i would have returned home, working on rebuilding our marriage but only to discover his lies and continuing infidelity. If that really happens, i wouldn't be able to take it at all; i'm sure that i'd have just committed suicide there and then. God must have known that, and brought out the truth in time.
I am in deep pain, being tormented mentally and emotionally. I do not know how long it will take for me to heal. 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, forever? I hope it can be immediate, but that is simply impossible.
Labels: introspection
