I think, therefore I write. （我思，所以我写。）

Cogito ergo scribo

Back to Home

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My eyes hurt

... very much now.

It's probably swollen now, and i dare not to look at them in the mirror.

I am probably going blind soon.

Then i asked myself if this is all worth it. I asked myself if i'd come to regret it deeply one day.

I've never liked to do anything that could possibly make me regret in the future. That was what i told YY before too, always think before you do anything and not just follow your gut feel; never do anything that would remotely cause regrets in future. But he told me then that he is the kind of person who would never regret in anything he does.

Now, i think i'm not doing what i preach. I'm crying my eyes out when the doctor has already told me that i'm having allergy for my eyes. I think i'll definitely regret it should i lose my eyesight one day because of this affair.

How to stop crying when the heart is hurting so much? If i do not let my emotion out, i'd probably go crazy. So do you take care of the heart/mind first or the eyes?

I know the answer is "both". I just need to know how to do it.

Labels:

| Cogitated @ 6:54 am by PinPin 彬彬 |

hi Pin,

i chanced upon your blog when i was looking for license conversion info. After I read what happened to you recently, i feel really worried for you. It brings back my memories when
something similar happened to me years ago. I'd like to relate to you how I went through it and

hopefully you manage to do it too.

Let's assume that the guy that betrayed me named XX (since yours is YY?? :)..well, nvm, if you manage to put this episode behind, someday when we look back, they just happen to be a xyz in our life). I'm not sure if I'm in any position to give you advice: i remember i went through the same heartbreak, the hollowness, the deep sadness, the doubt about life, but now i cant even remember his face well and i cant recalled exactly what he did to make me feel so down.

Sometimes i laughed at myself for being so foolish once. Even till now, once in a while, i still searched his name online, and well, the fact is i know his whereabouts all along. whenever i got news of him, the first thought that came into my mind was, "oh, so people like you still haven't
died?"...don't get me wrong, it's not that i haven't gotten over him or i still hate him, it's just that I'm
happy that i can look at him from a different perspective, which i can make funny unharmful jokes of, which i know whatever happens to him will not be able to stir up any emotions anymore. And i sincerely hope that one day you'll be able to feel the same too.

During that time, i was in very deep sadness. it's that kind of sadness that i suddenly realized why people could just commit suicide when out of love. (at that time, there was a news at which a young doctor jumped from a melaka hotel when his young lover studying in sg wanted to break up
with him, subsequently his lover also jumped). I even dreamed that there were two me, one was the rational one, the other was the emotional one; the rational one hugging the emotional one, telling her all the right things to do, but the emotional one just couldn't let go, then the rational one telling her to cry it out; in the end, i was crying and crying in my dream till i woke up and still remembered the sadness of my emotional part. i could do all the analysis, i asked myself, if he ever turned back, would i accept him, i knew it's a definitely no, because i knew all his despicable traits. but there were many times that i doubted it's my fault of not being good enough, especially when you were not with that person all the time, it seems that only his good points were being remembered. i even wished him well with his girlfriend, hoped that she'd treat him really really well and they could have a happy family, not like what i did, throwing tantrum, not sensitive to others feelings, etc. now that i think back, i was simply idiotic. a person that has the least conscious would not have done what he did to me. and now i can say loudly that i didn't mistreat him, and it's very bad for him to make me feel that i was at faults and he left because he was deeply hurt by me, thus making me feeling guilty all the time, whereas the truth was simply this heartless fella(bastard???) had found a new gf.

Anonymous Anonymous, at 30/6/09 7:03 pm  

i lamented about my sadness for very long time. Initially my friends sent me letters (that time emails were not as popular yet) and letters to encourage me. slowly over 1 year, they got tired of me and they couldn't understand why i was still the same. well, i couldn't understand myself too.

The betrayal must have left a very great impact on me, making me doubtful of myself, doubtful of true love, doubtful of purpose of life. i became a very quiet person. i tried to join more social activities because i knew that i couldn't afford to swallow in self-pitiness all the time. everyone wished that i could be back on my feet again. the truth was i dreaded the moments when i was alone, my tear would slowly came down and i couldn't control it, especially when listening to songs.

the turning point was when i joined a tzu chi camp. i think the god (i'm a non-believer most of the time) truly dotes on me for giving me a chance. i just asked casually a friend what he intended to do during vacation, and he said he's going to a camp, and it so happened that his friend couldn't
make it and there was a vacancy, and so i was in. previously i didn't even know what tzu chi was. during the camp, they showed many disaster videos, i got the chance to cry & cry openly, partly for the unfortunate people, partly for myself. during the camp, suddenly i realized that the world is indeed very big. There are many things that i could do and i hadn't tried out. I realized that love should not ask for return. if we are willing to give out love with no conditions, we'll not hurt by people for not returning our love. I indeed received a lot of love during the camp which till now I'm still very thankful. From then onwards, i involved in many charity works, collecting old newspapers, visiting sick ppls' houses, etc. From outsiders' point of view, I'm helping them, but the truth is they are helping me, they make me realize that life is so meaningful when we have the ability to give. I've so much love to give, and I'd like to give to the right people. I was so occupied that i didn't have time to feel sad. Having kind ppl around me also raised my spirit.
i even took up a 12km marathon, well..for a person that hardly exercise, my body ached for >1 week after that...but that's out of topic. During the marathon, i didn't expect that i could finish it, but along the way, there were volunteers that kept telling me that the destination was just around the corner. Believing them, i persisted. after finished at 90mins later, i realized that boy! they told me "it's just around the corner" just after 20min run. The point i'd like to bring out is by not constantly asking ourselves whether we can make it to the "destination" and just go along the way, we'll be
there eventually.

I slowly grew to like myself. Even i was alone, I wasn't lonely, i appreciate the calmness and I'm comfortable with just by myself. xx's face slowly faded away without me even realizing it (from XX to xx to xyz). Then i also found that unknowingly i attracted quite a few admirers. i guess when someone is happy with herself, she glows and radiates certain frequency that draws ppl to her. It took me more than 1 and half yrs to start another relationship after the failed one, and it lasts till now.

i think it's very hard on you that someone you trust so much could just turn his back on you without any sympathy. you tried to justify his actions and you tried asking why. but whether the are any justifiable reasons or not, it's not important.

Anonymous Anonymous, at 30/6/09 7:07 pm  

stop harbor the hope that he's still reading your blog and he understands your pain or that someday he'll be back, begging for forgiveness. if he has a bit kindness, it's him that will volunteer to leave the house, not you. if he has a bit conscious, he'll leave whatever earthly materials to you as compensation, he may also sends a friend to make sure you are well taken care of, at least during this tough time.
Just accept the fact that you do not have any place in his heart anymore, and you do not need one either. most likely he'll be just a passerby in your life. Come out from your self-indulgence, do something that make you feel meaningful and confidence, something as simple as joining a yoga/pilates class in RC. well..there is one vegetarian temple that gives free food each day in sg,
if you want, you can be a volunteer too. you can go outdoor climbing a mountain or you can take mrt to all the stations, there are many things to do that can let you see the world from a wider perspective. Stop spending too much time on pc if your eyes hurt. Everyone wishes to have
blissful life, but the truth is there is no such thing that is absolutely good or bad. you see people as
happily married, and people may see you as carefree like a bird. you see people having happiness and you are left with sorrow, people may see you to be granted another chance in life.

good luck & cheers!

Anonymous Anonymous, at 30/6/09 7:07 pm  

Share your cogitation


Previous Posts
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 @ 6:30 am: What is true love to me
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 @ 5:22 am: Inferiority
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 @ 5:03 am: Their song and my heartache
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 @ 4:13 am: My theme song 96
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 @ 3:53 am: Pushing myself
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 @ 2:57 am: Moving
Monday, June 29, 2009 @ 4:11 am: Man of the house
Monday, June 29, 2009 @ 12:42 am: His stuff cleared
Sunday, June 28, 2009 @ 6:24 pm: My sadness
Sunday, June 28, 2009 @ 5:56 pm: Tough night