I even picked my favourite green tea flavour.
But then, i am still feeling sad. Happy food seems to have lost its magic.
The very moment the plane took off this morning, my mood went down down down.
I hate going to KL now. It's a place that's too painful for me.
KL is the city where my husband lied to me to bring that woman here and committed the unforgivable sin of adultery. It's the place where he and that woman created lots of "wonderful" memories for them to savour for a lifetime.
It's especially difficult when i gotta stay in the Gardens Hotel, which is located just within Mid Valley. My 贝 and i used to shop here at least once a year. We always enjoyed the holiday and good food here.
Yet, when i went to the mall just now, and especially when i saw couples holding hands walking around, my mind would be filled with the thoughts of how the two of them had done exactly the same as if they were normal couples, how he had brought her to the hotel here to have mind-blowing sex, how he had brought her to various restaurants and took pictures happily there, and how he had spent money buying stuff to please her.
My heart was aching the whole time, pounding with pain every few seconds. I did my best not to cry; everytime i felt that the sorrow was overwhelming, i would tell myself to stop thinking about it. This mind-stopping technique didn't last long and the thought would return, but then i just gotta keep on doing it.
No, i will not cry tonight, no matter how sad i may be. It's pointless crying even though it may help to relieve my pain. Instead of crying, i'd rather do something to calm my heart, such as reading the Bible, listen to songs, sleep earlier, or even do that stupid laughing yoga if i have to.
I think LF was only half right when she commented that God loves me and hence brought me out of SG so that i wouldn't have to wallow in my rented pit. I think God sure loves me, and this is to remind me that even though i've appeared to be better by immersing myself with useless activities, the truth remains that i'm far from getting well. I gotta face the place and thoughts from which i've been running away, and overcome it with positive means, just like the sermon on Sunday -- positive thinking.
So, I WILL NOT CRY TONIGHT, whatever it takes, i will NOT.
Labels: introspection
