My heart still aches sometimes. I still cry sometimes. I still say "bei an" in my heart before sleeping sometimes. I still ask "why this has to happen" sometimes. I am still haunted by the memories of that difficult time sometimes.
Today a colleague told me that she has a friend whose husband had an affair and even though they remained married, the wife still felt hurt and betrayed after 5 years.
Yes, the pain isn't gonna go away just yet. I would still feel it, tormented by it, and then gotta live with it, probably for a few good years.
And LF told me in an email that i've been working very hard this year and i should reward myself with something in Christmas.
Indeed, i've been working very hard, very very very very hard. My close friends see it, and they know it.
I'm not only talking about my career, but also everything else -- i worked hard at my marriage and it failed. Then i worked hard at standing on my feet again. I am working hard at living my life like a normal person again; i am working hard at not to be knocked down by this incident; i am working hard at letting go and moving on.
No one can understand how hard it is and how much effort it takes to do it, unless one experiences it for herself. I'm not there yet, and a lot of times i gotta clench my teeth and strive on. I know i should not, and must not, give up in living a fulfilled life, alone or otherwise.
I hope God is watching. No, i know for sure that HE is watching. HE knows how hard i'm working through my life, and HE is with me all the time.
So, next time if any of you happen to see me in person, do not judge me on why i am still unable to get out of the sorrow completely. Instead give me a pat on my shoulders and tell me that i am working hard and doing well already.
For those friends who are already doing it, i thank you and that is exactly one of my sources of energy that propels me forward all the time.
Labels: introspection, love
